“Helping Kids Feel Like They Matter, Not Just What They Achieve.”
From The Thriving Kids Newsletter, Child Mind Institute’s Dave Anderson, Ph.D, Senior Psychologist and Vice-President of Public Engagement and Education, writes:
“In a culture that prizes achievement, many kids grow up believing that mistakes are something to avoid at all costs. But learning how to tolerate disappointment is a core life skill — not a weakness. When failure feels unacceptable, kids can become anxious, self-critical, or afraid to try new things. It also makes them more vulnerable to burnout and emotional distress, especially as expectations rise in school and beyond.”
Listen to his Thriving Kids podcast, “Helping Kids Feel Like They Matter, Not Just What They Achieve.” He speaks with Jennifer Wallace, author of the New York Times bestseller Never Enough and the new book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose. They talk about how toxic achievement culture affects both parents and children and what it really means to raise a child who feels like they matter for who they are, not what they accomplish.
Listen on Apple Podcasts, watch on Youtube, or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
Check out these additional, practical tips from the Child Mind Institute’s Family Resource Center on how to help kids learn to fail and recover from setbacks:
· Start with empathy
When kids fail, resist the urge to immediately reassure them or fix the problem. Instead, acknowledge your child’s feelings and recognize that they’re in distress. Brushing off disappointment or frustration can feel invalidating. So, reflect what you see and name the emotion. Try something like, “I see you’re really disappointed, I know you really wanted to do better.”
· Model how to handle mistakes
Kids learn from watching adults. Help your child understand that failure is a normal part of life and happens to everyone. Share age-appropriate examples of setbacks you’ve experienced to drive the point home. When children see that adults can handle disappointment calmly and constructively, they learn how to do the same.
· Turn failure into a teachable moment
A setback can be an opportunity to build acceptance and problem-solving skills. After acknowledging what happened, work together to think about what could be done differently next time. This might involve adjusting study habits, asking for help earlier, or approaching a situation in a new way. The goal is to balance acceptance of the current situation with learning how to improve and grow.
· Step back and allow failure
It can be painful to watch kids struggle, but hovering or rescuing can prevent them from developing resilience. Letting kids experience manageable setbacks builds confidence over time.
· Know when extra support may help
If a child’s fear of failure is so intense that it interferes with their daily life, professional support from a therapist can help them practice tolerating imperfection in a safe, structured way.
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Six Critical Messages Kids Need Every Day
I believe in you.
I trust in you.
I know you can handle it.
You are listened to.
You are cared for.
You are very important to me.
--- Barbara Coloroso, parenting expert
author of Kids Are Worth It
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**NOTE**
Therapy sessions are being held in-person as well as via Thera-LINK,
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